Monday, March 10, 2008

Different Ways People Make Peanut Butter Sandwiches

Martha Stewart:

1. Grind wheat, make bread dough and bake bread.
2. Get top quality, hard to find, no preservative, hand made by nuns or monks using peanuts too good even for squirrels, peanut buerre.
3. Get jar of last summer's home made strawberry preserves that you slaved over and gave to all your friends instead of gifts at last Christmas.
4. Cut cooled bread into nice thick slices.
5. Generously spread peanut buerre on one piece of bread. Sprinkle nutmeg on top.
6. Spread jam on the other slice of bread. Top with fresh strawberries cut into rose florettes.
7. Arrange bread on an attractive plate, side by side. Top with melted Ghirardeli chocolate and add a sprig of mint on the side of the plate.
8. Enjoy with a friend.


1. Scour the stores for your favourite peanut butter and jam, buy caseloads of it.
2. Get 100 loaves of your favourite healthy bread.
3. Call Maya Angelou to come over and inspire you.
4. Get Gayle to come over for the big kitchen adventure, put on some music.
5. Layout the bread all over the place and start spreading the peanut butter and jam, have fun and then tell Gayle to stop singing.
6. Make lots of "yummy" noises".
7. Slam the sandwiches together, wrap then in cellophane, tied with a big huge bow.
8. Give them away to needy people.
9. Show clips of what you did on your TV show

M. Knight Shyamalan

1. Goes to the kitchen and gets all ingredients out.
2. Begins to spread the peanut butter, but looks out the window and sees a woman by the pool.
3. Goes outside to investigate...when he gets there he finds that she has disappeared.
4. Comes back into the kitchen to discover that the sandwich has been made, and a small delicate bite has been taken out of it. Yet he can see no one around.
5. Get a glass of water, take a sip while contemplating this, and put it on the counter with several other glasses of water, wanting no more because it is contaminated.
6. In a surprise twist, he decides that he wanted a tuna sandwich anyways.

Jerry Seinfeld:

1. Realizes that he has run out of cereal and only has peanut butter in the cupboard.
2. Wash hands.
3. Get out the white bread, jam and new jar of peanut butter.
4. Take lid off the peanut butter and see a whole peanut sitting on the top. Wonder "What's the deal with the whole peanut sitting on top of my peanut butter? Am I supposed to crush it? Am I supposed to throw it away? Am I supposed to eat it, and if so will the peanut butter live up to my expectations after eating the real thing?" Throw it away.
5. Get a clean knife and smoothly spread the peanut butter on the bread.
6. Wash the knife.
7. Open the jam...yada...yada...yada...
8. Yada...cut the finished sandwich.
9. Go to answer the ringing phone. Come back to see Kramer standing there just finishing off the sandwich. Shrug and put arms in the "whatever" position.

Criss Angel, Mindfreak:

1. Takes a bag of sandwich fixins and goes to find an audience on the street.
2. Rips small pieces of bread and stuffs them in his mouth.
3. Using his fingers, puts the peanut butter up one nostril and jam up the other.
4. Put a foot long piece of saran wrap in left breast pocket.
5. Cause some sort of diversion, like setting himself on fire.
6. Opens his mouth and takes out a small object, unfolds it to reveal a fully made and saran wrapped peanut butter and jam sandwich.
7. Smile mysteriously and knowingly.

How I would make a peanut butter sandwich.

1. Put on protective gear.
2. Get a stool, climb up, take peanut butter from cupboard.
3. Take jelly, teapot and reading glasses out of the fridge.
4. Wash finger. (foodsafe training kicked in)
5. Dip finger in peanut butter, and taste test.
6. Get out bread and spread peanut butter generously on bread. Wipe hand on butt leaving peanut butter finger prints on ass. (Note: smell of peanut butter on ass attracts the dog)
7. Spead jelly, lick the knife and spill jelly on protective gear on chest.
8. Put pieces of bread together, and cut....finger, then sandwich in half.
9. Bandage finger, take off protective gear, go sit down and eat sandwich. Squirt jelly out onto chest when taking first bite.
10. Fight off dog trying to lick jelly of my chest


liz said...

Entertaining post!...Can't decide whose way I like the best...your's or Chris Angel's. Thanks for the giggle!

capitolagirl said...

Cute post. Nutmeg on peanut butter sounds good!

Anonymous said...

Needed a good chuckle tonight!