What I Learned Today

At school.
Snails have antlers on their heads and sometimes they fight with other snails with their antlers.

Also from somewhere, (ironically, I can't for the life of me remember where I heard this )
"Being an artist means that I forget what you tell me five minutes later, but in a year, I can still remember the curl of a hair on your cheek."
Too true.

My chop of the day.
From this:

To this:

Ode to My Man

Many years ago Steve Martin wrote his ode to his woman, this is my ode to my man.

When a woman meets the man she loves, everything changes.
Her heart races, her head spins (more than usual) and suddenly you're not wearing granny panties all the time. Quite a few years ago, I found the man I love, and I've put my feelings into this ode.

Ode To My Man

Some women need a man, and I need you.
To lift my spirits when I am sad.
To comfort me when I am down.
To drive when I am too drunk, or it's raining, or I don't know how to get there.
To walk beside me when there are scary people and I'm afraind of geting mugged.
To walk a suitable distance in front of me when you are all dirty.
To take the blame when I tell someone I can't go somewhere because you are sick.
To take the blame when I quietly fart in a grocery line.
To make me think I want sex, even though I don't think I want sex, until after repeated attempts to jump start me and then I think, "hey I guess sex would be ok"
To tell me I look good for my age, in as convincing a tone as possible.
To try my food before I have, even though I accidentally dumped half a shaker of pepper in it, and don't tell you that.
To be there when I need you and out of town for some of the other of the time.
To get things off the top shelf when I can't reach and am too lazy to get a chair.

My darling, although it may seem sentimental, I want to take this moment to tell you I love you (partly because I broke your lawnmower), and even though you are at work, I always have this (points to tiny ring on finger) to remind me.

Also will you pick up something for supper on the way home?
Love you hon.

Waking up, dreams and pee

I don't often get a chance to sleep in, but yesterday I wasn't feeling too well, and today was a day off, so...I did until about 9:00.
Getting a little older I find that is about the very latest I can go, before guilt about lazing around, or the need to pee, gets me up.
This morning I found myself in my dream world, in a very large and strange mall. There was a woman trying to walk with me and slow me down, but I was on a quest to find a bathroom.
There were bathrooms around but they were disgused as something else. I was getting desperate, and then... I woke up...having to pee really badly.
I have found quite often before that my dreams tell me when I have to get up to relieve myself.

When I work, my internal clock wakes me up at the same time every day, I never set an alarm.
My daughter tells me that she knows when to get up because in her dream she starts to tell people she can't go with them because she has to get ready for work.

I wish my internal clock had a snooze button, but I think mine was installed on my husband. He seems to have a couple of them. Including one that kicks in when he watches TV or a movie at night.

ACEO Oval?

I have been doing ACEO's (2.5" x 3.5") quite a bit, both originals and mini size prints of my paintings, but am wondering one thing.....can they be oval shaped?


The reason I an asking is because I have started a series of paintings on small oval plaques, which I am calling "Things in Holes". The plaques are actually 3.5 x 5. but I would make prints from them to sell as ACEO's. Of course I can crop and print it out rectangular, but thought that oval might be unique.


This is my first plaque.







Oh and Happy Easter!

Lists

I am a list addict. I actually made a list of things that I might blog about and "lists" was on my list.
I write a lot of lists. I make messy lists and then re-write them so they are tidy lists. Sometimes I add drawings of things and even colour them. I doodle around the edges.
Lists of things to do, to buy, chores, want lists, shows to watch, things I want to make lists of, you name it.
I have been doing a lot of art lists. What I need to do first and then what I want to do. It usually changes by the time I finish the first item because I change my mind or get a better idea. Then I have to write a new list.
On my chore lists I often list a couple of things that actually just did, so that I can cross them off my list right away and make me feel like I am making a dent in my list. Some things are just on the list every time and are things I never intend to do. Like sort out the stuff in the corner of the basement. Sometimes I hold off doing things because I would rather have a list that looks like I have done most of the stuff, than have to write a new list that has nothing crossed off yet. Sometimes I like the look of a new list or my old list gets lost, so I just re-do it. Sometimes I don't like to go out and just goof around and do nothing because then I won't be able to cross something off a list.
::Note to self:: Put goofing off and doing nothing on all lists in the future.
I have a hard time not putting post it notes everywhere too.

Where Has Your Art Been Used?

I guess the most unusual request from me, was that I do a couple of painitngs on slate, for a man that was going to re do his front doorway with slate. He was in the Lions Club and wanted lions on one piece and some other "big cat" on another piece.

I had no idea what to use, but after a bit of checking I found that I could use acrylics if I sealed it properly with an outdoor varnish. He was told he may have to put on a new coat occasionally if it started looking worn. The pieces would be protected by a roof so they would get little exposure to the elements.

He was thrilled, and as far as I know he has had no problems, that was about 15 years ago.

Tired

Just a quick bit here about daylight savings time. Normally I don't mind it but for some reason this year it got to me. I am just starting to get back to normal after being pooped out for a couple of days. Or it could be that I think I spent the entire night looking at the clock or dreaming that I was looking at the clock.
My mind was racing about all sorts of artistic ideas I had so I couldn't get to sleep. I saw 11:34, 11:58, 12:36, 1:59, 2:45, I think 2: 92 ...... (then my favourite part of the night zzzz), then 5:02, I believe I saw G:OB which must have been 6:08 (oh, I don't have my contacts in at night) and woke up at 7:28.

Different Ways People Make Peanut Butter Sandwiches

Martha Stewart:

1. Grind wheat, make bread dough and bake bread.
2. Get top quality, hard to find, no preservative, hand made by nuns or monks using peanuts too good even for squirrels, peanut buerre.
3. Get jar of last summer's home made strawberry preserves that you slaved over and gave to all your friends instead of gifts at last Christmas.
4. Cut cooled bread into nice thick slices.
5. Generously spread peanut buerre on one piece of bread. Sprinkle nutmeg on top.
6. Spread jam on the other slice of bread. Top with fresh strawberries cut into rose florettes.
7. Arrange bread on an attractive plate, side by side. Top with melted Ghirardeli chocolate and add a sprig of mint on the side of the plate.
8. Enjoy with a friend.

Oprah

1. Scour the stores for your favourite peanut butter and jam, buy caseloads of it.
2. Get 100 loaves of your favourite healthy bread.
3. Call Maya Angelou to come over and inspire you.
4. Get Gayle to come over for the big kitchen adventure, put on some music.
5. Layout the bread all over the place and start spreading the peanut butter and jam, have fun and then tell Gayle to stop singing.
6. Make lots of "yummy" noises".
7. Slam the sandwiches together, wrap then in cellophane, tied with a big huge bow.
8. Give them away to needy people.
9. Show clips of what you did on your TV show


M. Knight Shyamalan

1. Goes to the kitchen and gets all ingredients out.
2. Begins to spread the peanut butter, but looks out the window and sees a woman by the pool.
3. Goes outside to investigate...when he gets there he finds that she has disappeared.
4. Comes back into the kitchen to discover that the sandwich has been made, and a small delicate bite has been taken out of it. Yet he can see no one around.
5. Get a glass of water, take a sip while contemplating this, and put it on the counter with several other glasses of water, wanting no more because it is contaminated.
6. In a surprise twist, he decides that he wanted a tuna sandwich anyways.


Jerry Seinfeld:

1. Realizes that he has run out of cereal and only has peanut butter in the cupboard.
2. Wash hands.
3. Get out the white bread, jam and new jar of peanut butter.
4. Take lid off the peanut butter and see a whole peanut sitting on the top. Wonder "What's the deal with the whole peanut sitting on top of my peanut butter? Am I supposed to crush it? Am I supposed to throw it away? Am I supposed to eat it, and if so will the peanut butter live up to my expectations after eating the real thing?" Throw it away.
5. Get a clean knife and smoothly spread the peanut butter on the bread.
6. Wash the knife.
7. Open the jam...yada...yada...yada...
8. Yada...cut the finished sandwich.
9. Go to answer the ringing phone. Come back to see Kramer standing there just finishing off the sandwich. Shrug and put arms in the "whatever" position.

Criss Angel, Mindfreak:

1. Takes a bag of sandwich fixins and goes to find an audience on the street.
2. Rips small pieces of bread and stuffs them in his mouth.
3. Using his fingers, puts the peanut butter up one nostril and jam up the other.
4. Put a foot long piece of saran wrap in left breast pocket.
5. Cause some sort of diversion, like setting himself on fire.
6. Opens his mouth and takes out a small object, unfolds it to reveal a fully made and saran wrapped peanut butter and jam sandwich.
7. Smile mysteriously and knowingly.


How I would make a peanut butter sandwich.

1. Put on protective gear.
2. Get a stool, climb up, take peanut butter from cupboard.
3. Take jelly, teapot and reading glasses out of the fridge.
4. Wash finger. (foodsafe training kicked in)
5. Dip finger in peanut butter, and taste test.
6. Get out bread and spread peanut butter generously on bread. Wipe hand on butt leaving peanut butter finger prints on ass. (Note: smell of peanut butter on ass attracts the dog)
7. Spead jelly, lick the knife and spill jelly on protective gear on chest.
8. Put pieces of bread together, and cut....finger, then sandwich in half.
9. Bandage finger, take off protective gear, go sit down and eat sandwich. Squirt jelly out onto chest when taking first bite.
10. Fight off dog trying to lick jelly of my chest

What Are You Looking At?

I had to take the bus today, and it remimded me of something I had blogged about before.

I have discovered that if you are out on the street (or maybe going down a long corridor) , and you recognize someone coming towards you, you should pretend that you don't see them, look to the left, right, floor, anything until you are about 8 feet away, then look up and exchange pleasantries.
Otherwise you are facing the ghastly prospect of recognizing them all the way, nods, smiles, goofy faces, shrugging, etc. You can only do so much of that.
On elevators, you can only glance at people once, twice, makes people wonder about you, and three times then you become an elevator stalker. Same thing applies to public transport. If you do look at someone too much and they catch you, you have to pretend that you are kind of looking off to the side of them with a vacant kind of stare.
My eyes can glaze over pretty damn quickly when the have to.
These are the rules of a good society.

Bras

Is there a woman alive that has large boobs that does not look forward to taking off her bra at the end of the day?

Brassieres have to fit perfectly and be well made or you get the back riding up, straps digging in, boob hanging out of the bottom, overflow bumps at the top, and the sides curving like a dam ready to burst. Even if you do get a good one, they lose their oomph fairly soon. Then the tugging, adjusting and misery begins. .
There are some advantages to wearing a bra, such as hiding, keys, money, snacks etc. They can be used as a slingshot or earwarmers on cold days, in a pinch.
However on the con side, they also become a catch-all for cookie crumbs and occasionally grapes or other small projectiles that people try to toss in your cleavage. It's a bugger having to live with large crumbs in your bra until you can find somewhere to have a good shake out. I won't talk about the sweat underneath your bosom on hot days, because I don't sweat.

Of course they can be sexy and pretty and put your puppies on display very attractively, and bras do provide support. However when you get older, it's not so much about display as it is just being corrective underwear, getting them to stay in place in the appropriate part of your body……..and corrective underwear sucks. Age is not a friend of tatas. I have come to a conclusion that by the time I am 65 they will be pants-tuckable. I am going to retire my bras and just stick my boobs in a nice cozy pair of socks.